Anxiety

We see and hear this word alot as we get older and it is astounding the amount of people that are affected by anxiety in different ways.

I've never been one to have any major issues with mental health personally until my diagnosis (that's what I like to think, anyway). Up until that point, I guess I've always just been a very anal person who has to have things a certain way and I'd always say "if you want something done right then do it yourself" which in turn would encourage me to take on more than I should - something I can definitely no longer do.

Relinquishing control of things like that, is probably what started it for me. If somebody did something and it wasn't to 'my standard' or wasn't done right away, it would stress me out. Honestly, ask anybody at work or at home - and I still have my moments right now.

When treatment started, of course my anxiety would go into overdrive because everything was so new. It didn't help that I was always the youngest in the room. It adds to the feeling of loneliness and you still feel like nobody can truly relate to what you're going through.

What about reoccurrence? Am I the start of the genetic marker for cancer? Will this make my little girl more at risk when she's older? And the biggest questions of them all which I still have days where I ask myself... Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

When I was halfway through chemo I stopped going out as much. I was ill between every session and became immunosuppressed at the worst time of year - during the winter, and when my toddler son had started nursery. Germs everywhere. Repeated chest infections started around November and lasted on and off up until the February which cancelled my mastectomy as I wasn't well enough.

These are the current reasons throwing my anxiety into overdrive and for some of them I know you don't have to have cancer to relate...

Lockdown

Well this has created an abundance of mental health issues for the whole country, hasn't it? I was already on my way to becoming a hermit because I just kept getting ill all of the time and just before lockdown started shit storms were just getting thrown at me from all angles.

I got my 4 month prognosis on the 16th March and lockdown was enforced exactly a week later. Bye bye bucket list. Toodle-oo any final memories I wanted to make. I even potentially lost the opportunity for a decent goodbye with my friends and family.

This brings me to present day. Restrictions have been lifted and even though it's supposed to be gradual, everyone that hasn't been directly affected by covid or shielding have basically resumed their normal duties of not giving a shit. And THAT is what stops me from going out. I feel like I know I'm not going to enjoy myself, I'll wear myself out and so I just won't bother. Why add to my anxiety, and why waste my time and turn my good day to a bad one?

People's bubbles are also getting bigger, which makes me really apprehensive to expand my own.

Low immune system

Immunosuppression is a glorious thing. When you're prone to getting ill all of the time and bugs are constantly circulating, you can see how easy it is to fall into a trap.

Avoid the people.

Avoid the germs.

A majority of people know that cancer treatment - namely chemotherapy - attacks cancerous blood cells and can end up tackling a number of healthy blood cells which are used to fight off infections. This doesn't just happen during treatment but you can still be considered to have a compromised immune system for up to 6 months after treatment.

Bugs in my house were unavoidable because Max was still going to nursery and bringing God knows what home so I just avoided going out so I could take back some sort of control of what was happening to me. The thought of going out on a good day, I just thought "oh no I'll get ill again".

Pain

Well I've never been much of a hypochondriac but you hear of those people that wonder if every ache and pain is cancer*. Now that I have cancer, that is all that goes through my head.

After following my instincts back in March and choosing to mention a 2 week headache that nothing could shift, I was scanned and that's where brain metastases were found. Follow your instincts, you know your body.

*I'm not disregarding the feelings of anyone who thinks they might have something seriously wrong with them, but if that is your belief then please get yourself seen to and NEVER believe that you are wasting anybody's time.

Scans

Finally, this one is the worst of them all. In the cancer community we call it 'scanxiety'. CTs, MRIs, PET scans, bone scans, you become familiar with them all and their differences.

I don't think there is anything that doesn't affect you when it comes to a scan. The fact that you know one is coming. When you're there, the wait. The cannula set up before each one. When you're in the machine ("breathe in, and hold your breath...") and the highly anticipated results - which can take weeks.

Waiting for results is the absolute worst of it, not just for all cancer patients, but especially for those with a secondary diagnosis. We are living from scan to scan. You could get an update of no evidence of active disease but who is to say that this treatment will continue to work that way? Only scans will tell.

I'm due an MRI and CT around the end of August to check the effects that radiation has had on my brain, and to see how well I'm getting on with my new chemo regime. I'm feeling the side effects so something must be going on but until you physically see any changes, the build up to those results just plague your thoughts daily.

To anyone suffering from anxiety, you're not alone. And as I have said before, remember that you are loved, you are strong and you are beautiful.