My Reality

"You're so strong"

"You're such an inspiration"

"I don't know how you do it"

They're the three things I hear the most. I haven't posted before today because I really haven't felt like it and I definitely haven't felt inspirational or the strength that everyone seems to see in me. But I suppose that's all anybody sees because that is all I seem to portray to others. So here is my reality...

I'm tired. All of the time. I barely have the energy to look after my children most days and then I'm overwhelmed with a crazy amount of guilt because now is the time I need to be spending with them. With Gavin working from home I'm relying hugely on my parents to help me look after the children as well as help me get the time to get any last minute things completed.

I'm worried, constantly. I feel like I'm just waiting for things to change, is tomorrow the day I'm going to wake up and things are going to be even more different? What's this new pain? Is that cancer related? And it goes without mentioning the worries I have for my family and their future.

The more this disease takes from me, the less I feel like myself. The last few weeks I've really struggled mentally. As lovely as Isobel's first birthday was, it was also a very emotional day for me.

This isn't even the half of it. This is just some of the other side that people aren't seeing. This is my reality.