Telling the children

This is a very sore subject for any parent. How do you tell a child that mummy is poorly and never going to get better? How do you get out of your head the aftermath and what they have to deal with when you are no longer there? That's not forgetting to mention the parent that's left behind to contend with any further upset or anxiety from them.

You try not to stress about things that you know are out of your control and your emotions are a huge part of it. It is a catch-22 for me because both Max and Isobel need to be able to let go of their emotions as and when they want for the benefit of their own mental health in the future. I need them to be able to deal.

Then on the flip side I just wish I could plan every little detail and hope that it all turns out the way I want it to even though I wouldn't be here. It's just not possible. So this is where I need to let go and trust that they will handle it all in their stride as they grow older because they won't know any different.

I'm going to be honest and say I haven't spoke to Max about our situation as much as I should have but we've had some great support out there from healthcare professionals with books about 'Mummy's Lump' and teddies where I would take one to an appointment and Max would keep the other one while I was there.

Some of the books are too old for Max at the moment and sometimes he can't sit still long enough to get through them but our local hospice has put us in touch with the Unicorn Service who has given some wonderful advice and it really opens your eyes about how simple it actually is and how much sense it makes.

I thought I'd share some of the advice here, maybe to help someone else and I hope to encourage myself to talk to Max more about what is going on.

• Don't be afraid of what words to use.

I've learnt that it is us that instills the fear of words into children. Max doesn't know what cancer is, how is he supposed to be afraid of it?

I've been advised to start small and tell him that I'm poorly with cancer, so that my illness has a name to him. In regards to treatment, they're going to overhear the words alot so there's no point in hiding anything from them.

• Explain why things are happening.

Not necessarily in too much detail. Keep it simple. The days they go to my parents for example, tell him why he's going. "You're going to Nanna and Grancha's because mummy's not feeling too well. The cancer is being very naughty today."

• Be honest.

Ok, in my case Max isn't quite there with his speech to ask me any questions in regards to everything but never be afraid to admit to your child if you don't know the answer to something that they may ask you. Honesty is a huge part of trust and that's not a barrier you want to break when it comes to something as important as this.

• Don't overload them with information.

As mentioned above, I've been told to start small. Because Max is still so young I need to make sure that he understands that I'm poorly with cancer before I put anything else on to him.

There are other organisations out there that can help with these sorts of things and give some really good advice when talking to older children as well.

I hope this helps, even just writing it down has made me feel better. After putting it off, I'm now motivated to start raising the subject again. I owe him that.